Sometimes I Wonder!

Before I begin this stroll through my thoughts, I guess I should say it was inspired thinking about my parents. They both had such unhappy youths
and childhoods. My Dad was left by his mother to be raised by his pateranl grandmother and my Mom was abandoned by her father along with her 8 siblings and their mother. Dad was in England and Mom was
in Ohio. They met on a blind date when Mom was only 18 years old, Dad was 22. Being interested in genealogy has brought my focus into a very peculiar channel of thinking. Family does not appear as mere names on a line of a pedigree chart or family group sheet - they appear real - flesh and blood people. Thus comes the realization these people had feelings and were working their way through life, at their time, and leaving behind both good and bad memories and examples. Who were they really, and what made them do and become who and what they were? I really have no idea what the answer to that question might be, but I do know a bit about the effects they had on the lives of the parents that I love so dearly, even to this day.
My materal grandmother was left to raise her family without any help except what here children could give her. She had, what appears to me, a great distrust of men, which was to be deepened in her hate for foreign men in particular - which of course included my Dad. Now I find that a very difficult thing to understand, because my Dad had to be just about the greatest guy I ever knew. He was overly protective of my Mom and he was ever mindful of my grandmother. Could it have been that Mom being the baby of the family, she, my grandmother resented my Dad taking Mom from her? It is, of course a possiblity. One wonders what effects the way people set their hearts and minds, and into what patterns!
Of course with such a background, Mom was never really trusting of men in general - I sometimes wondered how Dad was able to win her over? Possibly his gentleness or maybe by his ability to be charming. They were a great pair, and certainly good examples for what made a good marriage. Dad never allowed us kids to ever talk back or mistreat Mom in anyway. I remember one time when the boys and I were in some kind of an argument - Mom was not able to get us past what ever the difficulty was and she wasn't feeling well so she just left the house and said she was never coming back. Needless to say we all perked up with that and spent a very reflective afternoon trying to figure out how we were going to explain Mom leaving when Dad came home. I was a little more alert than either of the boys and saw Moms watch laying on the table. She never went anywhere without that watch on her wrist. That gave me hope that she might return, but I wondered if it would be before Dad got home. None of us wanted to face him and explain what had caused her to leave. You know to this day I can't recall when she came back or what really happened with Dad. I just know we never put up that kind of a fuss after that. We learned, you don't push Mom too far. I believe that is why it was gratifying to find I had married a man who had those same kind of ideals when we had our family. A husband that didn't like to leave the corrections to be done "when he came home", or have the kids back talk or be irreverent "to your mother".
So I can't help but wonder - what makes us develope the ideals that we have in our homes? Is it because we have seen what we like or dislike, or do we just follow suit when we get older? I have been aware that not one of us kids drive any different than Dad. He had something to say about everyones performance on the road. I observed over the years before I could drive, my brothers followed that pattern, and of course anyone that has driven with me, realizes that I am very verbal about what is going on around me as I chug along the highway. Are we just what we have observed, or do we have power to be what we want to be? I don't know! Is growing up in society today merely following what we have observed, or is it a carefully decided choice?
You know since I learned the truth about how my Mothers father leaving the family, taking all the money, with them in such hard times, how I marvel how they were able to keep their heads above water. Yet I realize they worked hard and made do with little, but they all grew up to be pretty respectable people. When I learned about my wayward grand father and the family he had in Canada, things were financially better on the surface, but the kids were not really all that much better off. So it is a real mystery to me how all those kids, too, turned out with such wonderful families. Go figure! Possibly there is a great lesson to be learned in all of it, but I have found it difficult to find it in my work of gathering information on them.
If it is true -from our first estate, we chose who our families would be here in this life; why did we pick the ones we did? What was the great desire we had, or the friendships there that made being together here so desirable? Another question, at this time, I have no answer for, is if there is one, how fortunate we must be to have the families we have, and yet how mystifying what brought about those connections we have made. Makes me think! Life just doesn't happen. It is a continual progress in motion that gives us reason to reflect on what our part is, and how well we are accomplishing what is needed.
You know I have never been alone before. I started out with my parents and two brothers. This was followed by a husband and then my own children. As our children got older and left home to go about their own lives, I still had a husband. Now I am a widow and live on in my home.
Amazing how memories help pass the time and how the normal everyday responsiblities keep things moving along. We are a fortunate lot, and I am not sure we take time to really appreciate what we have. For some I am sure life seems hard, and it some cases it might be, but we are all responsible for what life is on a day to day basis. We all wake up, and have things that NEED to be done. We all have days when we just DON'T want to deal with things as they come up, but life does go on and with or without us, it will continue to do so. If I an unhappy I have to remember what Mom used to always say: "Well if you are unhappy, you have the same dirty shirt to get happy in". So I guess I can find the happiness no matter in what I am dressed. It all depends on me. No one is going to come around with a cart full of happiness and ask me how much I need today. There was another saying I am not sure just how it went, but I believe it was something like: "Laugh and world laughs with you - cry and cry alone". What ever the truth is that we are here to do the best we can, and to leave with as much accomplished as we are able to do. Never say die, though die we must!

Written this 22 day of October 2011
by: Eileen Rosenberg